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"Mmm... victory tastes like lip."

Laura Hearron
"Hold on, my head's itchy."

Steven Rodgers
"I just wanna cook beans. Why is everything in French?"

Laura Tripcony

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Travel advice

Category travel
Now that I've arrived - actually, I arrived last night, but now that I'm conscious again - I thought I'd impart a few travel tips for those of you planning any long road trips soon.

  1. A sign of a good highway is that it doesn't contain any traffic lights. Red lights are great for city streets. They tend to keep SUV's from barrelling into you. We like that, 'cause few situations are more frustrating than being unable to satisfy your craving for a green chile cheeseburger because you're waiting for the jaws of life to arrive and extricate you from your now totaled sedan. But traffic lights are terrible for highways, because only slightly less frustrating is waiting for permission to start moving again when you're sitting stationary on a highway instead of seeing the countryside slip past you at dizzying speeds. And feeling the wind whipping through your shoulder-length hair. Assuming you have shoulder-length hair.
  2. If you don't, grow it out. Road trips are no fun with a crew cut.
  3. Call your bank before you leave. According to Bank of America's computer system, I somehow managed to steal my own identity. You see, when your account information indicates that you live in Albuquerque, and suddenly your card is used to purchase gas on the way out of Albuquerque, then in Amarillo, Oklahoma City, and Little Rock, sirens go off and lights start flashing and The Computer shuts down your card. Even if your account information includes the number to the Treo in your jacket pocket that's had a surprisingly good signal throughout the day despite being in the middle of nowhere. So they could call you, but most of the humans are gone because The Computer now does their job for them. I hate to bite the hand that feeds me, but if our current pace of automation continues, there will come a time when we refer nostalgically to "The Matrix" as "that optimistic movie from the '90s". In any case, don't risk being unable to get a hotel room after 15 hours of driving... instead, call the bank ahead of time and tell them you stole your own card, but won't be pressing any charges. You know you've learned your lesson, and you forgive yourself.
  4. Assuming you've already followed step 2 and grown your hair out, when you stop for gas in Texas (this doesn't apply to the women in the audience, since for you, long hair won't be conspicuous there), either pretend you're Tesla and tuck it up under a ballcap, or pause the Led Zeppelin song before you get in hearing distance of the diesel pumps. Preferably both. This reduces the likelihood that you'll hear the gas station attendant reply to the guy who just pulled up in a pickup with a shotgun and a dog on the front seat, "Yup, January's hippie season." There's no point in running for your life when there's nothing tall enough to hide behind for several hundred miles. I would apologize to those of my readers who actually live in Texas, because I'm probably making a very unfair stereotype based on only a few isolated (yet uncannily similar) experiences in the state, but according to ClustrMaps, I don't have any.
  5. Stock up on Pringles and Fig Newtons. This was Laura's idea, and God bless her for it.

Posted by Tim Tripcony On 01/29/2006 |

Comments

Gravatar Image1 - @Emran, the weather's been beautiful. Had a couple patches of rain or clouds, but plenty of blue skies. All in all, pretty ideal for February. Doesn't seem humid at all, but the locals tell me that's just 'cause it ain't summer yet, y'all. I kid, but there are surprisingly few colloquialisms here... slight accent, but they seem to use the same words I'm used to. Not sure what I was expecting, but this certainly isn't as backwoods as one individual had described it to me. And everyone here is nice. Not just my coworkers, everyone. Perfect strangers walk up to me at the Waffle House and say hi, ask how my day's going. In Denver that would have freaked me out, but here it's just the way people are. I like it.

@Mike, Laura will be here soon. I miss her. Time was, I preferred long distance relationships, but I guess when you find someone who never annoys you, no matter how much time you spend together, withdrawal kicks in when there suddenly is distance. Maybe I'm just finally growing up, but I doubt it. I think it's her. The job is rather similar to my last few, just a more specific focus. No more 3 AM calls that a server has blue-screened... huzzah. Maybe I'll have more flying dreams now.

@Pops, jerky is indeed excellent road food. And speaking from experience, euphoric intestinal distress is definitely better than euphonic... hearing voices is one thing, but if the voice is coming from down there, I pull over pronto.

Posted by Tim Tripcony At 09:46:17 PM On 02/05/2006 | - Website - |


Gravatar Image2 - Hey Tim, Congrats on making it out there. The trip seemed long and tiring, although there seemed to be a few amusing moments from what I've read in your blog. I've had the same thing happen to me when I tried to get a hotel with my credit card in Cali during a summer road trip.
I guess you're now starting your first day at the new job. Hope things work out well and are all that you hoped them to be. By the way, how's the weather? I'll check out your blog later on in the next few days. Take Care,
-Emran

Posted by Emran At 12:35:22 PM On 01/30/2006 | - Website - |


Gravatar Image3 - Pringles have gluten so they are on the frowny face list for me. I much prefer beef jerky to the fig newtons for road trips. Jerky still gives you the same euphoric intestinal distress as the newtons but only manifests itself in non-solid byproducts, necessitating fewer stops on a long road trip. "So, I tucked my hair up under my cap...... and I said imagine me working for you" Signs, signs, everywhere signs.

Posted by Pops At 01:15:16 PM On 02/02/2006 | - Website - |


Gravatar Image4 - Good to see you made the roady! I'm guessing Laura will be joining you at some point?

So what does the new job entail???

Posted by Mike Koenig At 10:08:36 PM On 01/30/2006 | - Website - |